The Rowes In The Rose City 2

Happy 2012 To Everyone

2012-01-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

The Rowe Family Top 10 of 2011

1. Beckett Finlay Rowe, born 10 January 2011!!! He was the perfect addition to our family, and keeps us all on our toes (and somewhat sleep deprived) daily. We are amazed and as he grows and develops. His smiles, laughs, crawls, cruises, and snuggles make us forget how busy & tired we really are!

2. Missing our angel Jordan every single day. It’s been difficult this school year to imagine that, in a different set of circumstances, Jordan would be a Kindergartener, also in Spanish Immersion like big sister Avery.

3. Moving to our own little piece of heaven… “The Rowes’ Red Balloon Ranch” (because all properties big or small need a name!). We’re still unpacking and settling in, but are looking forward to all the wonderful things there are to do on a 4-acre “farm.”

4. Marveling at Avery’s development as a Spanish speaker. Her Spanish Immersion school is just such a blessing. We feel so privileged and lucky to have been in the right place at the right time so she could take advantage of such a wonderful program.

5. Treasuring Birkeley’s toddler speak & turn-of-phrase. My goodness some of the things that boy says! He melts our hearts, and tickles our funny bones. And there’s never a shortage of words for him. Or energy! It helps make up for his stubborn “terrible two” tantrums….

6. Summer camping in central Oregon. Young children have made it difficult to camp in the last few years, but we did finally manage a few long weekends this past summer, just us, the kids, a couple of tents, and a trailer loaded with gear….

7. Watching Avery bloom as a soccer player and a skier. She definitely has a passion for both. We’re excited for Birkeley to start playing soccer & skiing, just like his big sis, and so is he!

8. Visiting with family & friends near and far. Nana Noma is right here in town & even hosted Avery’s first Halloween party! Grandma Linda & Grandpa Earl are just a car-ride away in B.C., so we get to see them at least every other month, if not more. We’ve had a couple of visits with Grandma Kay, uncle Jon Paul, & aunt Jessica this year, and aunt Jill & cousin Soren were able to stay for part of the summer, giving the cousins plenty of time to play together. In October uncle Bryan made it out from Ontario for a nice long weekend visit, too!

9. Our new cat crew: 7-year-old Caboose, a male, who has become the pseudo-mommy of our two kittens, Toopy & Binoo, who are amazing mousers. If only they wouldn’t bring the mice into the house to play with and eat them…. Birkeley drags them all over the house, all day long, and Beckett likes to use their tails for teething toys. Run, kitties, run!

10. As usual we have been BUSY! Devon continues his work as a Manager at Environ (13 years in April!), and earned his License in Hydrogeology in July. Leslie worked part time for most of the year at Landau Associates (off & on now for 9 years), and still enjoys a day or two off each week from infant & toddler play to use her “adult” brain. Between work, kids, “the ranch,” and all our activities life feels like a whirlwind sometimes. But busy is how we do it best!

We are looking forward to an exciting 2012 to come, and hope you are too!

Avery's Leprechaun Trap

2011-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

A little late, but better than never. This was Avery's homework project before St. Patrick's Day. She and Devon had a great time working on it!

This is a troll doll "friend" for the leprechaun, sitting on the milk carton sofa inside.

The string has a sign on it -- "Do Not Pull" -- reverse psychology!

The sign by the hole says "Pot Of Gold" to lure him in.

When he pulls the string inside voila! The lid comes down and the hole gets blocked.

This is what she found in the trap the morning after St. Patrick's Day.

The Boys' Room

2011-04-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

Another busy weekend at the property. I do love paint, though. It's such a wonderful transition. Here are this weekend's results: Trendy blue and brown for the boys. I used MetroPaint in this room (and the rest of the entire house, except the mouldings and Avery's room). MetroPaint is recycled paint managed and resold by Portland Metro. $8 a gallon even. It's taking all my will power not to go buy a couple more cans and do some more painting in the other rooms of the house (which are ALL MetroPaint "Sand Dune" -- doors included).

If he didn't have those yellow socks on he'd be practically camouflaged in there! Yes, his sweatshirt matches the walls of his room. It was just a fluke. I didn't dress him that way on purpose.

These are the closet doors for the bedrooms. The brown ones are for the boys' room, the blue for Avery's room. The black is chalkboard paint. I hope it's fun!

Avery's room completed (more pics of her room in a blog post below).

Pink Trees Rock! Hello Spring!

2011-04-03T00:41:00.001-07:00

Birkeley (2), Avery (7), and Beckett (11.5 weeks).
[And yes, it still breaks my heart that I only have 3 of my babies here for photos like these. I just miss my Jordan soooooooo much all the time!]

And since we were talking about eyelashes...

This time Avery is the monkey in the tree!

Beckett Growin' Up

2011-04-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

11.5 weeks old already. Smiling, cooing, laughing, sticking his tongue out, and even starting to "play" with the toys on his bouncy chair. Wow -- such a big boy already!

And he's got the Rowe lashes! Look at how long those things are! Can you believe that when he was born he didn't have any eyelashes at all! And no, we have not used any Latisse on him, they are all natural. Just like his siblings & his daddy.

Birkeley's eyelashes are pretty long & thick, too.

This was the before shot of Birkeley, when I insisted that he had to wear a shirt for the picture.... Just like a 2 year old!

He was so mad he couldn't settle down to figure out how to take his shirt off. Luckily he is still easily distracted with toys. As soon as I gave him a truck he forgot about the shirt and settled right down.

Monkeyin' Around

2011-04-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

Each spring since nana Noma moved here to Vancouver Avery has been in charge of putting the monkeys on the Monkey Puzzle tree. This year Birkeley was big enough to help, too.

The finished productAfterward it was off to the park for playing and a picnic. Birkeley got to ride along in nana's basket -- which he LOVED!

Avery's New Room

2011-03-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's taking longer than we planned, but slowly but surely we're getting ready for our big move out to "the property." We bought a used double-wide mobile home, and are fixing it up to live in while we sell our house in town, and get ready to start building the new house on our 4-acre horse pasture.

The mobile home was painted like a pastel Easter egg when we bought it, so we had the drywall repaired, and the entire 1450 square feet painted with recycled paint (from Metro) in the shade of "Sand Dune." But part of the deal of moving was letting Avery paint and decorate her new room. After many months of consideration, and a couple weeks of agonizing, she finally picked these colors for her room.

Today she and her BFF Kate got to paint. They didn't quite finish, but they had fun for awhile, and I finished up all the edges, details, and the cubbies. I think it looks pretty cool! It's going to be strange, though, having just one room with any color in the entire house. Makes me want to go buy paint for the boys' room, too!

Here we go! Avery decided to paint the blue walls.

Kate took the green walls.

The built-in cubbies.

First coat all done!

Avery & The Yellow Ducks

2011-03-11T14:21:00.001-08:00

Isn't she all grown up? She even scored a goal this season!

Smiling Up A Storm

2011-03-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

It's hard to get the smiles on the camera, since he likes to do it when you're holding him and very close -- but here are a few I caught as he turned 2 months old yesterday. At his 2 month check up he rolled from his tummy to his back 3 times, in front of the doctor. He does it at home a few times a day, too. So healthy and strong! On a side note, Where does the time go?

Such a strong neck already!

There's a little grin

On my lap, with the camera up over my head -- at least I got most of his face

blowing bubbles in his drool -- a common occurrence ....

too much smiling tires a guy out!

Avery & Kate At The Park

2011-03-11T14:09:00.000-08:00

Can't get enough of the sunny weather!

Silly Daddy & Beckett

2011-03-11T14:06:00.000-08:00

OK, Beckett, this is how you do it...

My rock 'n roll boys

stare deep into my eyes....

Nana Noma's Birthday

2011-03-11T14:02:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Nana Noma!!

Nana & the Rowe grandkids. Next week she will get to celebrate with grandson Soren, who lives in Alaska, but is meeting up with nana in Mexico for a sunny vacation.

Beckett (2 months old), Birkeley (2), nana, Avery (7), and a red balloon for Jordan.

Big Boy On His Skateboard

2011-03-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

What can I say, except that I hope he doesn't really ever get going on that thing, we do live on a hill....

Mojave's Thyroidectomy

2011-03-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

Mojave had half of his thyroid removed on Tuesday. Hopefully he will quit losing weight, and more importantly to me, stop throwing up all over the house....

Picassavery

2011-03-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

Avery's drawing was one of 8 selected to be displayed at the Vancouver School of Arts and Academics. Not too shabby for a school of 525 kids!

Avery and her classmate show off their drawings.

A harp, a guitar, and a "cow fart." No, I don't know what it's supposed to be, but she says when you play it it sounds like a cow fart. Clarinet, perhaps?

Snow In The 'Couv, 2011

2011-02-26T15:30:00.001-08:00

Finally we got some snow to play in and sled on! After all the threats in November and December, it finally came in mid-February.

Birkeley was insistent that he wear a helmet on his bike, even though it didn't move at all.

sledding time

snow drifting by

my big little girl

I'm not sure if Birkeley was more annoyed with his mittens on, or off.

woo-hoo!

Sarah, Avery, Birkeley

zoom! there went Avery!

Later in the day Birkeley came to tell me he was "ready."
"Ready for what" I asked?
"Ready for outside" he said.
"Really, Birke, in just a diaper and turtleneck? What about pants, socks, boots, snowsuit, hat, mittens?" I asked.
"Ok, ready for swimming" he replied!
What a smarty pants. However, when I pointed out that we weren't going swimming in a snowstorm, he sneaked outside in his crocs anyway. While he was out there he was asking for a hat when I asked him if he was cold. But he wasn't too cold, I had to drag him in under protest couple minutes later.

The first snow of the morning. What fun!

So beautiful!

I hate this tree in December when the leaves are falling off, but I love it snow-covered in the winter, and thick with leaves for shade in the summer

These are 2 pictures from an earlier snow -- the flakes were huge and wet! But they didn't last long!

Dino Jammies Night

2011-02-26T13:29:00.001-08:00

Everyone ended up in dinosaur pajamas last night, without even trying, so we had to take a picture.

Birkeley (2), Avery (7), Beckett (6.5 weeks)

All Smiles

2011-02-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

Every night Beckett smiles in my arms. It's impossible to photograph them while I'm holding him. But tonight I was able to set him down & get him to smile again, a couple of times. And if that isn't a "Jordan smile" -- I don't know what is!

Beckett, 6 weeks old

Smilin' Jordan style

silly face

all serious now

My Lost Valentine

2011-02-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

Holidays without Jordan are hard -- even a silly little one like Valentine's Day. So even though it was tough going through all the pictures, I had to do it, and share. My heart still beats for my lost little Valentine.

Jordan (6 weeks old), February 2006

Avery (2 years old) and Jordan (6 weeks old), February 2006

Jordan (1 year old), February 2007

Avery (3 years old) and Jordan (1 year old), February 2007

Jordan (2 years old), February 2008

Avery (4 years old) and Jordan (2 years old), February 2008

Jordan (3 years old), February 2009

Avery (5 years old), Birkeley (7 weeks old), and Jordan (3 years old), February 2009

My Little Valentines

2011-02-14T22:59:00.001-08:00

Avery was getting sick and we were trying to beat the rain. Not the greatest pics, but I don't care, they're always adorable to me.

Birke wanted to eat the candy, not hold it!

My little hunk-a burnin' love Beckett 2011 (5 weeks old)

For comparison: My little hunk-a burnin' love Birkeley 2009 (7 weeks old)

Birkeley today (2 years old)

Avery (7 years old)

Beckett's Birth Announcement

2011-02-12T19:59:00.001-08:00

Beckett, 4 Weeks Old

2011-02-12T19:49:00.001-08:00

Taken on 7 February 2011

A quick smile. Beckett smiles at me often, when I'm holding him, not a camera, of course! Pretty soon they'll be intentional smiles, but I love them all just the same.

2011-02-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

Cousin Soren and uncle Matt came for a visit late last week. Believe me, it is no small feat getting 4 kids under the age of 7 to sit still for a photo, but here are a few of the shots I got.

Soren (1.5 yrs), Avery (7 yrs), Beckett (3.5 wks), & Birkeley (2 yrs) --
and our Jordan balloon, too (she would be 5 years old now).

Beckett, 21 Days Old

2011-02-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

Pictures taken on 31 January 2011

Beckett, 12 Days Old

2011-02-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

Pictures taken on 22 January 2011

Random Rowe January 2011 Photos

2011-01-31T10:40:00.001-08:00

Avery and her new Build-A-Bear "Giggle." BFF Kate took Avery for a fun day full of bear-making and adventure! (Picture by Kate's mom, Kelly)

Kate giving the bears a swing at the playground. (Picture by Kate's mom, Kelly)

"My glasses!!"

Oops, no nap today means straight from dinner to the crib!

Beckett's first bass guitar lessons

All snuggled up with daddy, ready for bass lessons

Beckett, 9 Days Old

2011-01-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

These pictures were taken on 19 January 2011. Yeah, I'm a little late sharing them....

Rowe Family, Version 2011

2011-01-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

Avery needed a family photo for school. She was perplexed about it. Beckett was brand new and not in any of our photos, and Jordan was gone and couldn't be in any photos with him. So I set the timer on the camera and came up with these 2 versions. She liked the one inside best, because it has Jordan's photo in it with us.

Beckett's First Bath, etc.

2011-01-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

Beckett's first full bath. He wasn't thrilled.

Crazy clean hair

Crazy hair & drool

Tiny hand

Beckett's fingers on daddy's thumb

Snuggles with daddy

Brothers on a busy background

Awwww, breaking out the bouncy chair. Totally vintage at this point!

Snuggles With Beckett

2011-01-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

Smiles -- gas or not, we love 'em!

Birkeley is such a caring older brother. He asks to hold the baby a few times a day, gives him toys, and loves to "pet the baby." Then, since he's 2, he's off to do something else....

Avery loves to sit and hold Beckett, too. And she knows, if the baby falls asleep, you can't move and you can't wake him up. I got a whole bunch of stuff in the kitchen cleaned up yesterday because of this rule!

A visit over the weekend with grandma Linda

Our friend Kate loves to hold him, too! (photo by Kate's mom, Kelly)

Baby Rowe Comparisons (You Be The Judge)

2011-01-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

For everyone who wants to know who Beckett looks like....

Avery (Dec 2003)

Jordan (Dec 2005)

Birkeley (Dec 2008)

Beckett (Jan 2011)

Avery (Dec 2003)

Jordan (Dec 2005)

Birkeley (Dec 2008)

Beckett (Jan 2011)

Beckett Finlay Rowe, Day 2

2011-01-13T14:11:00.001-08:00

These pictures were taken at home between 36 and 50 hours old.

That's nearly a grin!

Burp time! He's a super eater -- best one yet, so far. Phew.

Beckett Finlay Rowe, Day 1

2011-01-13T13:47:00.000-08:00

Beckett Finlay Rowe

10 January 2010, 5:01 p.m.
7 lbs, 1 oz. 20 inches long.
Providence St. Vincent's Hospital
Portland, Oregon

Big sister Avery, and big brother Birkeley meet baby brother Beckett for the first time (2 hours old)

Birke checks out baby's body parts. He's really into noses and elbows these days.

A quick pose with her newest baby brother (which she really wanted, more than a sister, even).

It's pretty hard to get them all looking the same way at once. Especially when Birke can't sit still for more than about 15 seconds at a time (typical 2-yr-old).

Devon and the big kids checking out Beckett together.

A snuggle from Birke.

Mommy's big helper, Avery, gets used to holding baby Beckett. She's great with him at home so far. At least in the holding department.

Birkeley checking out Beckett's little fingers and hands before we head home (25 hours after he was born).

All packed up and ready to go -- let us out of here!

Mommy and Beckett have been here long enough. Let's go!

Avery added her own comments to the white board when we got to the room. So sweet!

Out With The Old, In With The New (Jack-O-Lanterns)

2010-10-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Not sure where Avery picked up on the vampire craze, but this was all she wanted to be since August (and no, she hasn't seen the Twilights or any other current vampire show -- except an occassional Scooby Doo episode with a vampire in it). Birke didn't care what his costume was, but since he loves animals these days, and "grrrrrrr" is a common sound, a tiger seemed fitting. Birke figured out pretty quickly how to do it -- just follow the big kids up to the door, then dive right in the bowl & grab what you can. The people handing out candy thought it was adorable. Then again, they didn't have to put this overstimulated, sugar-crazed kid to bed at the end of the night.... hahahahaha.

"grrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Trick or treating at nana Noma's, before we hit our neighborhood. Birke's green lollipop was his obsession for the night. And yes, Avery is wearing flat shoes, and at age 6 is nearly as tall as her nana!!

The neighborhood Trick-or-treating crew.On Wednesday I volunteered in Avery's classroom for "Pumpkin Math." Each student had a pumpkin & had to weigh it, measure it, count sections and seeds, etc, before getting to carve it. Can you say "chaos" -- 47 pumpkins total (and about 20 parents to help out, thank goodness!)

Counting seeds. She gave up at 190.... I don't blame her.

The new pumpkins. The one on the far left side is the one Avery & I did at "Pumpkin Math" on Wednesday. The next 2 (freaky face & cat a.k.a. "Kid vs. Kat") Avery did all by herself. The 3 on the right were the ones I did yesterday & today -- finally MY turn to get to carve!

Too lazy to set up my tripod & remote to get non-fuzzy pics. These will have to do!

Avery's jack-o-lanterns -- I love the cat!

my jack-o-lanterns

My favorite -- love those creepy hands! The first round of pumpkins. They were a science experiment gone bad by this morning, so we had to trash them all! Super gross! 2 weeks before Halloween was about 12 days too soon!

Click here to see last year's pumpkins (2009)

October Miscellaneous

2010-10-25T23:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, totally random array of pics.... why not?

The first round of jack-o-lanterns. Hopefully I'll get to do a pumpkin myself this weekend! Avery did the first 4 almost entirely by herself (Ijust helped "clean up" the finer cuts in the first 2). Devon did the 5th pumpkin.

Devon said it was time for Birke's bath, and Birke couldn't wait to get in!

My little meat-aterrian... (feasting on Devon's pork ribs).
[Hey, it's better than bologna-face Avery used to do.]

Avery has become quite the bug-girl at school. So far she's had 2 different kinds of caterpillars, a praying mantis, and a snail. They are using bugs to study math this month, so she is the star of the class, I guess (and the teacher is pleased). Here is her praying mantis, right before she decided to let him go.

Avery's "Red Fire" soccer team (she's in the middle)

Playing goalie, tooAvery's biggest fan

Fall Photos

2010-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I had the camera out yesterday for Avery's first day of 1st Grade, so I tried to get a couple of pics of Avery & Birkeley together. Wow is that hard to do! Oh well, here's what I got.

Birkeley (20 months) and Avery (6.5 years)
Boy was Birke mad after he threw his duck off the deck...

...but happy after sister Avery went and got it for him.

Birke Gets A Haircut

2010-09-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

Birke got a haircut on Saturday, although he wasn't too happy about it. I had to hold him in my lap, and move him from chair arm to chair arm. The barber did his best, really, but it did turn out a little crooked... Oh well, we hardly notice, he rarely slows down enough for us to see it!

Note: All photos by Avery (since I was holding Birke in the barber chair).

You can't see how crooked it is with his cowboy hat on. He's really into horses right now, and carries Avery's "Black Stylin' " around the house going "neigh, neigh" all the time. Usually he's galloping...

You don't even notice the crooked haircut when he's smiling this big!

A very curious look

Uh, oh, too tired for lunch....

First Day of 1st Grade

2010-09-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

Avery's off to 1st Grade, all in Spanish again. She was excited to get the teacher she wanted (because the teacher she got plays the guitar for singing time)! I can't believe how grown up she is. At least it didn't rain for our pictures this morning, although it was raining right before we took them, and started again shortly after I dropped her off. Then I came back and slept for 4 hours -- I am one tired mama these days!

Just for fun, here was the post from First Day of K last year! Notice the similarities in the dress... nana Noma showed up with this year's dress on Monday -- Perfect!

The Grilled Cheese Grill

2010-09-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

For the second year in a row we went to the Grilled Cheese Grill for grilled cheese sandwiches on the night before the first day of school. Neither Avery nor Kate get to ride school buses to their schools, so we have to settle for dinner on a school bus down in Portland the night before. Birke really sits up like a big kid these days, but his attention span is still quite short, so it was take a bite -- run around & try to slip outside into a mud puddle, get dragged back into the bus for another bite. I guess they don't get enough toddlers there to justify a high chair or two....

Avery driving the busA good grilled cheese dinner before First Grade tomorrow -- Avery & Kate on their "bus ride"

Get back on the bus, Birke

Birke's turn to drive. He took it very seriously....

Good stuff!

Last year's Kindergarten Eve included a trip to the Grilled Cheese Grill too, with much better photos since it was pouring rain (scroll to the bottom of this post to see the Grilled Cheese Grill bus).

The Curvy Road

2010-08-29T20:43:00.001-07:00

There was a time, well, for most of my life, when I found windy roads and backtracking to be bothersome. Straight ahead, straight line forward, and GO! That was the plan. But my how things have changed as I've grown older, and lived the life of unexpected twists I was given. I've struggled for the past few years to make sense of it all and stay on the straight path to get from "here" to "there" -- where ever those places may actually be.....

It started off right: Go to college and graduate -- check. Go to grad school and graduate -- check. Meet the man of my dreams ahd get married -- check. Work hard ahd build a career in a field I love -- check. Buy a fixer-upper, fix it up, settle down and raise a family -- mostly check.

Then Jordan came along, stayed for a brief time, then left us.... Curve #1

Then the career fizzled out, as I couldn't work and take care of Jordan. A few years and about a million medical appointments later (and after she left us) I was left feeling a little empty as a geologist and a little left-behind in my career. Curve #2: off to nursing school (pre-requisites first, though).

Then the fixer-upper was all fixed up, but not very accommodating to a child with oodles of medical equipment and a wheelchair. Curve #3: we bought 4 acres of land just outside of town so we could build a nice, big, one-story, house to help us take care of her in our home for as long as possible. We were just about to get started on that when she died last year (so it's been sitting there waiting for us to decide just what to do with it).

The family didn't feel quite complete. Curve #4: Birkeley. All of our worries about his health melted away almost immediately after he was born. In just the same way that we knew Jordan was sick when she was born, Devon and I knew that Birkeley was healthy!

So, to the outside world, I suppose it probably seems like things must be straightening out for us, now that Jordan has been gone from our home for the last 1.5 years, and Avery and Birkeley are growing up happily and healthily. Time heals all wounds, and life moves on -- stuff like that. But no matter how hard we try, and what face we put on to the public, our lives are still spiraling through grief (which, really, leads to chaos) with no real end in sight. So what else can we do but try to get through each day intact? Embrace the windy road, and, no matter how hard it might be at times, push forward, knowing that staying stagnant has never made anything better.

Curve #5: Nursing school pre-reqs are done, but nursing school itself is going to have to wait for a couple of years, until I can really get my head around the commitment of being a full-time student in an intense area of study for 2 years.

Curve #6: Time to get moved out on to that "horse pasture." In addition to taking the last nursing pre-req class this summer, Devon and I decided that it was time to start moving forward on the house-building project, even without Jordan. Of course the major reason we bought the property in the first place was to build the perfect house in which to raise and care for her. But it wasn't the only reason. As soon as Avery was born I felt drawn to get out onto the land live in a place where my kids could grow up appreciating some of the things I had as a child -- mostly animals (and the chores that come with them). So for the last year-and-a-half I was paralyzed by the idea of moving out to the property without Jordan, since we bought it for her. But finally this summer it "clicked;" that she would be there with us in spirit just as she is here in this house with us, and this way we could all appreciate the land and the house, too.

So now we are knee-deep in it, hoping to be out of our house before the holidays and all moved into the (temporary) double-wide mobile home we scooped up in July. But before we can even "place" the mobile home (take it off the axels and put it back together) we have to have a septic system, which has to have electricity and water to run, which has to be placed in a trench along a road, which had to be built, but needed and access agreement and an easement to make legal, and the horse pasture had to be reconfigured, which involves about 800 feet of new fences. Etc, etc, etc. So, even getting to live on the property temporarily is turning out to be a major undertaking in the world of engineers, contractors, construction, permitting, and yes even fence building. We're really just hoping to have all the earth work done before October; before it gets really wet for the winter.... Once the house is put together it will need landings built, new paint, and new carpet, and a run of new drywall right down the center (where it gets put together). Then there's the issue of actually downsizing and moving (the mobile home is not much smaller than the part of the house we actually live in, but storage of all the other stuff is going to be a huge problem....).

Curve #7: The family still seemed unfinished, but (I'm sure) won't after mid-January, when Rowelette #4 (a wee man) arrives. Being pregnant at 38 is hard. Way hard. I am old, and feeling it in my bones, day and night. I am anxious about the baby's health, the same way I was about Birkeley. I am exhausted from crazy hormones that don't let me sleep from about 3:30am on, from going to summer school, and from trying to get a household set up in a horse pasture before the holidays. I feel like I am not in a great place with my grief over Jordan to be pregnant right now. But the fact is, that I am not getting any younger(!!), and as soon as I had Birkeley (who I swore would be my last when I was pregnant with him), I immediately wanted just one more. And even through chaos, exhaustion, stress, anxiety, and grief, we both knew that we would have regretted not adding one more soul to our family.

So, here we are, twisting and turning along the roller coaster that is our lives, not really sure where we will end up, but making the most of it as we go along. Bumps, twists, turns and all.

Jordan's Memorial Bench

2010-08-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

In honor of our precious little Jordan, she now has her own bench at Legacy Emanuel Children's Hospital Garden. It seemed like the perfect spot to honor her, considering how much time we (all) spent there with her, and how wonderful that garden is.

Study Break

2010-08-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

I've vowed to keep my nose to the grindstone to get through the last 2 weeks of Anatomy & Physiology 3, but I grabbed my camera and took a break this evening. Not the best pics ever, but at least I have some pictures of the kids this summer now....

(Avery 6.5 years)

Birkeley (1.5 years)

On the more serious side....

And seriously for me, back to the respiratory system and blood tracing....

Cousin Pics

2010-07-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

We took the kiddos, and nana Noma, to my least favorite photography place and had these done on Sunday. Not great, but at least the kids are cute, right?

Cousin Soren (13 months), Birkeley (18 months), and Avery (6.5 years), with a red balloon for Jordan, who would be 4.5 years now.

Aunt Jill, Avery, Leslie, cousin Soren, nana Noma, Birkeley Birke did NOT want to lie down for his picture taken, he was very concerned about the whole thing....

Slugger

2010-07-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

Avery's playing coach-pitch this summer, a step-up from T-ball last summer. She's starting to get the swing of things....

Where Did June Go?

2010-07-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a crazy whirlwind it's been! But we are alive and well, and I am pooped. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll leave it to that.

Birke is silly!

cousin Soren (visiting from Alaska) is fearless!

The boys at snack time. They often had a complicated bartering system going, even when they were eating the same things, like raisins and graham crackers.

A June birthday party -- Soren was 1 on 4 June, Avery was 6-1/2 on 22 June, and Birkeley was 1-1/2 on 27 June, and Jordan would have been 4-1/2 on 30 June. Any reason for a chocolate cake. Thanks nana Noma!

Piano lessons for the boys with uncle Jon Paul at the farm in eastern Washington

Pool time for the boys

Whoa, who gave Soren the hose?!

The carnival before the rodeo -- everyone loves a pony ride!

Avery was a BIG kid and went on the Octopus with Jill --
she was a little freaked out once it got going, though!

They weren't going fast, yet!

Now it's getting a bit "hairy"

Now there's a freaked out face!

Somehow I convinced her to go on the Yo-Yo a bit later,
but that was it for the big rides!

After those BIG rides she was happy to go on a little kiddie ride

Then we went to the rodeo

No one got stung!

Avery had her last soccer game earlier in June (here with friend Benz)

And right after soccer she had her Daisy Girl Scout end-of-the-year garden party

cousin Soren and aunt Jill visiting from Alaska for a few weeks

my cutie patootie!

rub-a-dub-dub, 3 cousins in a tub

Big Boy Birke

2010-05-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

Especially after having Jordan, I will never cease to be amazed as Birke learns more and more things. Here are a few cute moments over the last few weeks. But please don't feel compelled to watch (the longest is ~40 seconds) unless you are a grandparent -- then it's mandatory ;-)

Birke's first time eating with a fork, and there's no going back now!

Since we don't have a dog, Birke (and Avery in her day) has to clean up after himself when he throws food on the floor

Big Boy Birke, 2

2010-05-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

I love this -- he thinks vacuuming is a riot. How long will that last? I hope into adulthood!

Never too young for a punch balloon

Birke sat there for about 10 minutes stacking round rods on top of square blocks, but of course as soon as I got the camera out he lost his concentration! I laid out the blocks, he was the one putting the rods on them.

May Showers... Make Busy Rowes

2010-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it been a monsoon May! Despite all the rain we are able to get out in the sun when it's out. In general we've been busy, as usual. And with me in school full time, I barely have time to take pictures, let alone share them on the blog. So here are a few to fill in the space.

Mother's Day dinner, waiting outside the Olive Garden: Leslie, Birkeley, Avery, and nana Noma

This picture is for you, aunt Jill!

Feed this kid! She's getting an attitude.

Birkeley getting ready for his first ever bike ride

And their off!

Avery shows off her "pattern" -- that is, first the left middle fell out, then the right middle, then the left side, then the right side.... She really likes to find patterns in everything, so her teeth falling out "in order" was a bit of a crowning moment

Birke, unlike Avery, is a "sauce kid" -- he won't even eat some things without sauce, and in this case, he was skipping the chicken nuggets, and eating the ketchup with his fingers

Birke snagged Avery's DSi the other day. He was ecstatic with glee -- he would run around and squeal with delight, then stop and hit a few buttons, then run around and squeal some more

A play date at Kids' Club with Avery, Kate, and Birkeley

Sometimes a boy just needs a power nap

Double Trouble

2010-05-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

Birke's eardrum ruptured today. Again. The last time was in February, I believe, or at least a couple of months ago.

But the only reason we knew anything was wrong at all was because we saw the blood and puss oozing out. Nice. Right before Avery's soccer game this morning, Devon saw it. I got out the otoscope, again, and had a look. It was like a yellow volcano of oozing puss basalt. Bleck! And he didn't give one flying fig about the whole thing!

Starting about 2 weeks ago he had been waking up screaming in the night, always around 3:00 to 5:00 a.m. We'd change his diaper, give him some water and a bite to eat, take his temperature, and give him a good look-over trying find something wrong that would be waking him up, and even more oddly, keeping him up in the night.

And that included checking his ears. I'm no professional, but I do have a fancy-smancy otoscope, and I was pretty good checking Jordan's ears for signs of infection, or at least bulging eardrums with fluid behind them. But Birke's ears looked perfectly good to me. Inevitably we'd give him a dose of ibuprofen, then try to rock him back to sleep, but for nearly two weeks he would wake up miserable each night, and we couldn't find anything wrong. One night he had a fever of 100'F. But only one night of nearly two weeks.

Then on Tuesday (4 days ago), he made it through the night, and didn't wake up until 6:45 a.m. A little early for my tastes, but still pretty good, so I canceled the doctor's appointment I had set up for him that day, and crossed my fingers that whatever the night-waking problems were had passed. Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night -- perfect. He was "cured" of whatever was ailing him.

I had avoided taking him to the doctor earlier because he showed no signs of being sick at night (except for the crying), and was as happy and relaxed as always during the day. He wasn't even showing signs of being tired after being awake for ~2 hours each night. He was totally fine! So it took me nearly two weeks to even book an appointment with the pediatrician, knowing that she probably wouldn't have had anything to suggest that we hadn't already tried. But after nearly two weeks we were wearing out from the sleep-reduced nights. Birke wasn't bothered by them, but we were.

Then this morning his eardrum burst. It had been 5 days since I'd even looked in there, since he was doing well during the night. And for the second time in a few months I am left feeling like a terrible mother, who didn't even know that her son's eardrum was even close to rupturing. But then again, he had no signs to tell us there was anything wrong. No tugging at his ear, no fussiness, no snotty nose, no fevers, no colds. Nothing. Just BAM! A pussy, bloody, oozing ear this morning.

And so, I think we'll both be going to the ENT soon. The tube in my ear needs some readjustment anyway....

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

It was a tough day. I told Avery and Devon that all I wanted for Mother's Day was my traditional homemade orange juice, with cinnamon rolls -- breakfast in bed. And to sleep-in. Little did I know that I would sleep the day away. But, just like on Jordan's birthday, without planning for it, or even realizing it, the emotional took over the physical, and the sunniest summer-like day of 2010 disappeared in the darkness of my blacked-out bedroom. Yes, I do relish my family, and cherish every moment with Avery and Birkeley, two absolutely wonderful, brilliant, fun-loving, kids. I try to stay positive. I try to stay active (although I think it might just be "distracted" most of the time). I try to live now and move forward. Everyone else seems to. But the reality is, I'm just not there yet. Holidays still hit me like a ton of bricks, so hard that even my body folds under the weight. And whether it's true or not, everyone else seems to have moved on, and forgets to remember the pain I still bear, hidden behind the small chat and smiles, the details of everyday life that gloss things over.

I hate holidays now. I do. I used to be mildly annoyed by them, certainly by the gross over- commercialization and expectations, but now I just truly hate them. I hate the stressful feelings of finding a perfect gift or a perfect card to go with them. Holidays are just ordinary days to get through, trumped up with the potential for disappointment, hurt feelings, and in some cases near disaster. I AM A GREAT MOM -- I don't need a Hallmark card to remind me. And I didn't need to be Jordan's mom to earn that! I'll be happy to have a plain old Monday tomorrow, and put this whole Mother's Day thing behind me.

Barely Time To Breath...

2010-04-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

...let alone time to blog. We have been busy, full steam ahead since getting back from Hawaii and starting a new quarter at school (for me). We've also had a huge amount of great spring weather, so we've been taking advantage of all the time we can spend in the yard, too! In fact this past weekend we already did our yearly "clean out the duck barn" (and it needed it!), and we built a fence around part of the backyard.

Birkeley cannot bear to be inside, and throws tantrums when anyone goes out the door, but keeping him safe and contained in our terraced yard was impossible, and made being outside with him stressful, not fun. So we built a fence. It's not a fancy fence though, it's more like a gigantic playpen, but it works, and we did it all in a couple of hours. Devon did build a very nice rolling picket gate, and if we decide over the summer that we like the fence around the yard, we will consider replacing it with a picket fence, that we can work on at our own pace. But for now we have Birkeley containment, which was the ultimate goal of the weekend project.

I've built a LOT of fence in my life, and this was the easiest ever! It only took about an hour, start to finish, and when we're done with it we can pull it out with our hands. Hopefully Birkeley doesn't figure that part out for awhile. This fence is also great for keeping the balls from rolling down the hill into the street. And Devon and Avery are now talking about getting a couple of chickens to keep for eggs . . . personally, I'd rather have a couple of pygmy goats.

This is the picket fence gate that Devon built (in about 3 hours). If we really decide we like the fence, we'll replace the whole thing with picket just like this. Note, it even has a caster on the bottom to so it can roll open!

Avery is speaking Spanish like crazy now, which is just so wonderful. Spanish, and the culture that comes along with learning a new language, permeates into all the aspects of her life, including playtime, story time, and even her imagination and daydreams. It's awesome. She is also busy with (outdoor) soccer, and her Daisy Girl Scout Troop, and now that the weather is nice, playing with neighborhood friends constantly. She is one busy girl at the ripe old age of 6.

Besides "full steam ahead" outside, Birkeley keeps us constantly busy, and I'm amazed each day with how "brilliant" he seems to be. He's 16 months old now, and even though he really doesn't say more than a few words (mama, dada, and ball are the major ones), he's know exactly what we are saying and is starting to follow instructions (when he's into it). He uses some sign language for some of the things he wants (phew, finally), and will point to all his major body parts when we ask him where they are. He is able to scoop bites of food with a spoon, and stab them with a fork, and get them into his mouth. Last night after dinner he even picked up the food he threw on the floor and put it into the garbage can that Devon was holding beside him! Hopefully that will deter him from throwing food onto the floor fairly soon.... He runs everywhere he goes, and he loves to give people "fives."

I am busy with school and trying to keep the household functioning. Often it's one or the other, and I have to teeter back and forth between all school for a few days, then all home for a few days. Balance is hard to achieve. I was actually considering buying another laundry basket the other day, until I realized that at least they were all full of clean clothes, and just needed to be put away. My courses this term are Anatomy and Physiology 2 and Microbiology, so they are keeping me busy (thankfully I got managed to successfully challenge my Chemistry class and don't have to take it this quarter, too!).

Devon has been very busy with work, traveling a fair amount, and is transitioning more of his office time out of our (cold) basement and into his new office space south of Portland. After nearly 8 years of working from home he is enjoying his time in an office with other people (and infrastructure) again. He is, as always, working hard outside trying to get the yard whipped into shape, and does lots of projects with the kids to allow me some time on weekends and evenings to get some studying done.

Together we have been working on "Jordan's Garden," a memorial garden that will be built on the PRIDE campus in her honor. We have just started the project and have already found people willing to help with every aspect of the garden, including a surveyor who donated his time to produce a map of the site, and some landscape architect students who are working on the design. We hope to make it a sanctuary for people who need a quiet place to reflect, and in some cases remember. Even though I am enthusiastic about building this garden, it has been extremely difficult for me on an emotional level, as really it's a project that also serves to immortalize our daughter, a task that no parent should have to do.

And for now, back to breathing, and studying....

Senator Maria Cantwell Saves The Day

2010-04-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Really, should parents have to contact their US Senators to get coverage for their medically fragile children? We had to contact our state legislator to get the ball rolling, and Angelique finally found success with Senator Cantwell. I guess when it comes to upholding Washington State Laws, people start doing it when legislators get involved!

I truly believe that the social service workers in Hayden and Jordan's cases were just trying to wear us down so we would give up. They act like the cost of their care is going to be deducted from their own paycheques! We parents are playing by the state's rules, just asking for what is stated to be available -- and believe me, we wish more than anything that we had happy, healthy children and didn't even know these programs and rules exist. But we are have to play the hand we're given, and fight like dogs to make the playing field fair!

Go Angelique! Your persistence paid off! Hayden and your family win, for once!

Pictures For Kelly (And Everyone Else Who Wants To Look)

2010-04-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

Kelly reminded my often: take lots of pictures. I did! I sorted through a few photos from our trip to Kauai last month, from the first 2 days only! Lots of pics, so if you have a slow browser this is your warning....

Avery took this one with my old D40 (what she now calls "my camera" -- it's a bit much for a 6-year-old, but she loves taking pics with it). We were still on the ground at PDX!

Good-bye Pacific Northwest, good-bye Mt. Rainier

Made in the shade Birkeley

Sunset over the Pacific, almost to Kauai

Birkeley was NOT into the doggie backpack leash when we landed in Lihue

All of our stuff except MY suitcase!

Palm trees for Kelly

A reintroduction to the beach (near Kapa'a)

We were up so early we had to play at the beach -- the pool was closed until 9:00am! Roosters and jet lag, bleh! Finally the pool was open, and Avery was off like a bolt of lightening.

Sunscreen = Sand Glue!!

Pool boy

Where Did The Weekend Go?

2010-04-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

We had a busy weekend. Phew, I'm almost glad it's Monday tomorrow!

On Saturday Avery participated in the Kids Fish-In at Klineline Pond here in Vancouver, along with 1199 other kids. For $5 each kid got a t-shirt, a fishing rod, and the chance to catch 2 fish each. There were volunteers there that even gutted them for everyone, although I was so worried about getting to our next activity I was begging Devon to let me do the cleaning and gutting at home myself....

Really, there were a gazillion other kids there, not sure how I got a picture with just the 2 of them. In fact, it took 10 minutes to untangle Avery's line with 2 other people after her first cast. Luckily there were many volunteers helping cast, reel in, and keep things moving along.

Her first fish of the day

Her second fish

On the chopping block....

Someone caught a big rainbow trout. Rumor was that some of the fish were as large as 10 pounds (not Avery's, though)

Showing off her new t-shirt and her nicely cleaned fish (which I did not end up cleaning)

Right in the middle of everything an osprey swooped down and stole a kid's fish -- hook, bobber, line, and all (look closely and you can see it sailing through the air behind the bird). You should have heard the mom yelling about the stolen fish! I'm sure her kid ended up with his 2-fish limit, the pond was packed!

I really do hate being late, but with such a big morning, a few minutes here or there really isn't anything to get too upset about. We were only a few minutes late to Avery's soccer game with the Black Scorpions, against the Green Lions (yes, they let the kids pick the team mascots....). She played hard the first half, then got to play goalie the second half, which she likes playing, too.

After the soccer game we scarfed down a terrible lunch at McDonald's on our way to the Girl Scout blood drive. Devon and I donated, Birkeley slept through most of it in his stroller, and Avery took a few pictures with my old D40. She learned about the zoom lens, and now insists that when anyone uses it they turn it to 18... I was busy donating too, which partially explains why it's a bit fuzzy. Avery also completed some activities there, and earned a new badge for her Daisy Tunic!

Once we were finally home again I was the lucky one who got to take a nap!! I needed it, although I think Devon needed one, too, but a fully rested Birke wasn't going to let that happen. We spent the rest of the weekend unpacking from Hawaii, working in the yard (including a full mowing, a full thatching, and partial raking of the thatched material), grocery shopping, and generally getting back into the swing of things after 2 weeks away and a crazy week back. Devon even managed to thatch nana Noma's yard in the process, and make it to band practice. I am 1 week into school and already feeling behind in this new quarter, but am hoping to get a good night's sleep and have a good day hitting the books tomorrow. Anatomy & Physiology 2, and Microbiology here I come! (Luckily I challenged and passed my Chemistry course for the quarter, so I am only taking 2 classes instead of 3, but will get an A- on my transcript for Chemistry at the end of the term anyway!)

A Giant Step Forward!

2010-04-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

Finally, some good news for little mister Hayden and his family. He was finally approved for the Medicaid Basic Waiver Plus (the same one Jordan had), which puts him just one step away from the Medically Intensive Program that provides in-home nursing. As Angelique states, she is not sure what her status with CPS is at this point, but at least things are moving in the right direction for Hayden's care. I choose to believe that CPS will easily see the farce it was to report her. I am currently working on a letter to send to Angelique on her behalf, for that day when/if CPS does come knocking on her door to "investigate."

It is important to remember through all of this that Hayden is innocent, just as Jordan was. It is also crucial to remember that neither we nor Angelique asked for anything other than what the state of Washington says is available to our children based on their medical fragility. We weren't asking for an exception to the rule. We weren't asking to bend the rules. We weren't even asking for new rules. We were just asking to be given to us the resources to care for our children in our home, that the state promises to provide, in everyone's best interest! So why we, as parents have to fight like dogs to get what is supposed to be given is really a huge question, to which there seem to be no answers.

Yeah Hayden, and yeah Angelique! Keep on fighting the fight for what Hayden deserves, and don't let them wear you down or threaten you away!

Pretty Boy

2010-04-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

Since July last summer we've had a very special buddy in the neighborhood -- a wild peacock. He must have gotten separated from his gang, and hasn't figured out how to get back to them. In the fall he lost his feathers, but now it's spring, and it must be mating season, because I hear him cahing and cahing all the time. Lately he's been wandering down around our cul-de-sac, and spending a lot of time on a neighbor's fence. I saw him up on the fence on the way home today, so I ran and grabbed the camera and came back for a picture with his tail hanging down from the fence. But when I got back to him, he jumped off the fence and started spinning and shaking, and, voila! Then he spun around 4 times, cahing all the time, before he dropped the spread and jumped back up on the fence. Avery was right there with me, so she was pretty excited, too. I've been waiting forever, and wondering if I'd ever catch him with his tail feathers spread!

Such A Big Boy

2010-04-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

Birkeley had his 15-month check-up appointment today, and the results are in. He is a perfect! Of course he is! He is also lucky -- I wish I had his metabolism. He is in the 84th percentile for his height, and the 12th for his weight, despite all that eats, and eats, and eats. He's been following these curves for about 6 months, since slightly after he became mobile "crawling," so they are his in a most healthy way. He's just a busy body. The pediatrician suggested I set up an obstacle course over at the horse pasture to keep him busy.*

Here he is getting his first haircut (by Devon) a couple of weeks ago, right before we went to Hawaii.

We didn't get a "before" picture, as Devon was a bit too scissor happy, but we did have this picture from the night before the haircut. This picture was for Birke's Canadian citizenship documentation.

Devon let Birke comb his hair, but definitely didn't let him have the scissors!

*I remember that she commented that Avery "needs a job" at her 12-month check-up. I guess she can tell how busy my kiddos are!

And, We're Back...

2010-04-06T01:54:00.000-07:00

Aloha Kauai, Aloha home! I sat down tonight determined to share my 5 favorite pics from the (2 week) trip -- but 3 hours later I just couldn't do it. So for now here are a couple, with about a zillion more to come. You'd think I have nothing better to do but take pictures (some better than others....)

Here we are an Ha'ena Beach on the north shore of Kauai. It says "The Rowes Kauai 2010" but ironically, we were only there because Jordan wasn't. Well, we do what we can with what we've got, so for now and forever our family photos will be minus our angel....

Birkeley and Avery were "fighting" over this pool ring on the morning of Jordan's "angelversary." I didn't even realize that I had packed it, and could only think of her floating around in my friend Heather's pool for a few hours on an August afternoon in 2008, 2 months before her 6-yr-old son Aidan died, and 7 months before Jordan left us. She was a little over 2.5 years old at that time.

My pedicure for the trip -- I hadn't had one in forever. Way before we were at the polish part I asked the gal if she could do a red balloon design, and as I relaxed and imagined it, this is what I came up with. She added red beads to the balloons and silver glitter to the clouds to make them sparkle. This is 2 weeks into the pedi, on a boat trip we took up the Na Pali coast.

Angelversary

2010-03-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

Jordan's Angelversary has come and gone. We survived, but we did run away to Kaua'i to get through it all. It was a tough day, but we pushed through, tears and all.

We grabbed a bag of beach toys and managed to bring along Jordan's favorite pool floating ring. There we sat on Tuesday morning (23 March), in a pool in Wailua, with Birke and Avery both vying for the pool ring. Wouldn't you know it, it didn't work for either of them; Birke was too small, Avery too big! So, we let it float around empty in the pool, just for Jordan. She was always in such peace in the pool.

We came to Hawai'i last year right after she died, and figured then we might as well escape this year as well. I imagine that Hawai'i will always have a bit of a different meaning and feeling for me than it does for most. But she loved it in the water, and she loved it in the sand, the few times she went, so it seems a fitting place to be to forget it all and move forward.

We know that her spirit is here with us, we just wish she was, too.

Aloha.

(and if I get time, pics to come -- for now just very sporadic internet checks)

Sick To My Stomach

2010-03-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

Hayden is just so much like Jordan was. Angelique is fighting so hard for him, just like we fought for Jordan. And now this! It's absolutely nauseating.

I remembered thinking at the time, when I was out begging for in-home nursing care for Jordan, be careful how you answer those questions, they just might come back to haunt you! When certain people look you in the eye, and ask you in a heartless tone: "what needs are you not able to meet for Jordan" you better think twice about how you answer. If I had said "we can't keep up with all of her therapies" would they (the state) have taken her away from us? Now, a few years later, I wonder, what would they have done with her? How would that have been either cost effective or beneficial to anyone involved?

Unfortunately, Angelique just might be the one to push the state to find out.

Jordan qualified for nursing care through the state of Washington. I read the manuals and the guidelines. She was classified as a "line of sight" person, meaning that, because of her seizures, she always had to be in the line of sight of someone.

Hayden easily meets the same criteria that Jordan did. Why can't Angelique get him the services he needs? She's not asking to break the rules. She's not looking to "buck the system." She's just trying to keep her job, her house, her son, her family together. Is there anyone out there that thinks Hayden or the state would be better off if they were on well-fare or even homeless?

Come on Washington state (and you know you're not the worst culprit state out there), get it together! Let's show this mom that she should get what her son has already earned by being born medically fragile. Let's not punish her for trying her best to keep it all together.

It's all just sickening!

What You Want

2010-03-15T01:52:00.000-07:00

When your child dies, no matter what the situation, you* cry a lot. You scream, you suffer, you declare "not fair." You spend hours, days, weeks of your life "bawling on the inside," even when you're able to keep your composure on the outside. You wander around in a daze, unable to grasp the easiest of concepts, begging for distraction to get you through the moment, the hour, the day. One day at a time is too much. You really need to focus on one moment at a time.

You live with a gaping hole in the middle of your heart, your gut, your head, and your family. You wonder how others don't see these holes, don't hear the screams of sorrow.

No events pass by without missing your child. None. From breakfast to bath time, Valentine's Day to Disneyland, someone is missing. You get frustrated and sad hearing about a sick child, wishing your child was around to need their nose blown, or snuggle in for a nap. You burn with rage when you hear about a child who is neglected or abused, even if the infraction is relatively 'minor' or unintentional. You often need space from the normal complaints of parenting, it feels like ungratefulness. You know that everyone has their own battles and issues, but you would give anything to just have a child with an ear ache. You wish you had everyone else's parenting problems.

You cringe at small talk and common conversation, cautious of where it might lead. You're constantly on guard, constantly deciding if you blurt it all out or hide it all away. You want to talk about it and share it all, but you just don't want to cry anymore, either. At least not on the outside, because you're still "bawling on the inside" most of the time. You want strangers to talk about the weather, and feel that hair stylists, who have you at scissor-point, need not know every gory detail.

You wonder if all the tears will ever fill the gigantic, gaping holes, and then realize even that is too hopeful.

You quit worrying about who used which bath towel, or how much cat hair is on the floor. You try to make it through each day with everyone dressed, fed, and where they need to be, and you beg for distraction to get you through. Because there is always someone missing, who isn't there for the mundane tasks of everyday life. Someone who went away forever and left that gaping hole, in your heart, your gut, your head, and your family.

You spend a fortune on Kleen-X. You find your own body is dragging you down with aches and pains and illness, and you search for distraction to keep you moving forward. You wonder what people are thinking and saying if you seem too happy (she's over it) or too sad (she needs to move on). You feel terrible either way: Too happy seems wrong, you should be suffering more. Too sad seems wrong, you must move on and know that your child would not want you to suffer. But you know that most others can't think in these complex terms, and you know that they don't see that big gaping hole is always there, whether you want to move on or not.

Some "important" or "urgent" things you just ignore and don't deal with. Other mundane things become vital, for no obvious reason. But there are reasons are for both. Some are painful, some are senseless, some are symbolic if nothing else. You have to go with your feelings and redefine your priorities, even if they don't make sense to others. You have to stand up for what you 'need' to do, and not bother with the why; it doesn't really matter to anyone else anyway.

You want your friends to care and remember and not be scared to talk about your child, and to realize that talking and remembering is good for you, even if you happen to be bawling on the outside.

You want some grace, but you don't want to be pitied. Actually, you want a whole lot of grace. And a little empathy, too. You understand why people just don't 'get it'. And frankly, you don't want them to!

*and by "you" I mean ME!

Soccer Super Star!

2010-03-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

Avery, age 6, first soccer team (many more to come -- she really liked it!)

The amazing Green Dolphins team

Going, Going, Gone!

2010-03-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

Time to get your Girl Scout Cookies before they are all gone. Our troop finished up our booth sales on Saturday with 11 boxes remaining: 6 Thank You Berry Munches, and 5 Dulce De Leches. Both of these cookies go very well with coffee or tea, so let me know if you want any of them (not really worth setting up a booth again next weekend for 11 boxes....)

9:00am was early all around. The girls had no "get up and go" until they had a donut each....

Then we had to overcome the shyness phase....

That's a little better, now the potential customers can actually see our little Daisies

All these cookies to sell!

Later in the morning, more girls come to help sell, and more customers were ready to buy

on the watch for the next potential customer

Thanks to every cookie buyer and eater out there for supporting our girls!

Out Of The Woods, To The Lake Near The Beach

2010-03-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

I also took a few pics of my friend Astrid and her family while I was in SoCal. Here they are, mom Astrid, dad Stephen, Matthew (almost 4) and Stewart (15 months):

Positively Glowing

2010-03-07T22:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I went to SoCal for my friend Kim's baby shower. I took a few pics of her and her hubby Wil and son Jamie (age 5) while I was there. She was 33 weeks pregnant, and absolutely radiant, don't you think?

Keeping Up With Avery

2010-03-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

Seems like I have very active kids. Hmmmmm, wonder where they get that? Hmmmmmmm, wonder why it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them?

Avery is so busy these days, but she still finds time to do her favorite sports -- (modified) skateboarding and rec league soccer. Although at last Thursday's game she did seem to be lagging a bit, and was firm on holding her position on the floor, even when the ball was only feet away....

Yes, her helmet is always on crooked, no matter how many times I straighten it....

It's a rough neighborhood for regular skateboarding -- too hilly. Avery prefers this version. Notice the camel-back, in case she gets thirsty in 22 seconds...she loves that thing, hardly plays outside without it!

Soccer Superstar!

The Green Dolphins! (Yes, the kids get to pick their own team names)

Warming up. Avery loves to wear those shorts -- they're like 5 sizes too big, but she loves them....

Taking a turn at goalie

In action (she's on the far right, actually running toward the ball!)

An actual shot on goal!

Oh Brother, That Birkeley

2010-03-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

Keeping up with Birkeley is never easy. He's on the go 100 mph all day every day. He sleeps well, and hard, if you can hold him still long enough to actually fall asleep, that is. Here are a few of his recent antics:

Yes, you are caught! I can't leave the fridge door open for 5 seconds without him getting into something....

...this time he had the grapes dumped all over the floor with one try! Ugh!

This looks like a great spot to climb into...

Now, how am I going to close the door so they can't find me?

Hat, underwear, whatever, I'm not picky as long as it keeps my head warm

Ugh, mom, you can't show that last picture of me!!

The Red Balloon Strikes Again

2010-03-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I love it! Who wouldn't. Hayden loves a red balloon! Check it out.

Angelique continues the fight for Hayden. Progress is slow, but she's making it! Go Angelique!

March(ing) Forward

2010-03-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

I knew December was going to be a difficult month, but I guess I underestimated the power of March. Surviving December was monumental for me, and I really did find relief once 2009 was under our belts and January brought a whole new paradigm. Going back to school gave me, if nothing else, a much needed distraction, and some good exercise for my brain. It helped me put my priorities in order, and face the outside world again -- no more hanging out in the house and only talking to people who know me and my story.

With all this going on I sailed right through January and February, feeling renewed and revitalized. I actually feel like I can do it again; be a person that is not just "Jordan's mom." It's a good feeling of accomplishment most of the time, although it is a lot to juggle, and I do struggle with getting everything done in the right proportion.

At the same time, it has not been easy either. I am suddenly surrounded by new people who don't know my story, and certainly don't imagine that anything is "wrong" in my life. They don't see what is missing from me, the gaping hole in my heart and my soul. They don't know how many times I am sitting in class, listening to innocent comments and conversations, bawling inside, trying to hold it all together and make it through the next 5 minutes, let alone 5 hours or 5 days. I feel, like I have since the moment Jordan died, that I should have a tattoo on my forehead that tells everyone that she was here, she mattered, and now she's gone, and so is a part of me. Out of sight is not out of mind, no matter how well I seem to be doing on the outside.

And suddenly the quarter is almost over, and it's March. Her 1-year "sadiversary" is approaching. Or maybe I should call it an "angelversary." Whatever. It's been nearly 1 whole year since Jordan went to sleep early in the morning on 23 March 2009, and never woke up again. Never asked to be woken up. Never pleaded for help. We were right there, we could have tried to help her. Just like we did every other night for her whole 3.25 years. She just slipped away in her sleep, and the only thing permanent about her is that now she is permanently gone.

I frequently see a girl on campus that looks like Jordan. I imagine that Jordan would look like her as a 19 year old, but now I'll never know. I just have to accept the fact that Jordan is who she is, and in this world, she is my forever little pre-schooler.

And wouldn't you know it. Here it is March, coming up on her 1-year sadiversary, and my body is agonizing and suffering, much like my mind. Just like in December. My sinuses are plugged and my head aches, my tummy is upset, and my mind is definitely foggy. I am really just hoping to be able to pull it all together and survive the next 2 weeks of classes, which include 2 Anatomy & Physiology exams, and then the following week's A+P, Nutrition, and Psychology finals. 5 exams. Not a great time for physical ailments, emotional distress, and foggy brain. But I'll try. I just have to keep marching forward... what else can I do?

Liberty Bell High School Class of 1990 -- 20 Year Reunion

2010-02-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

How The Heck Did We Get To Be As Old As Our Parents?!?!?

The time is fast approaching!
If you were a member of the Class of 1990, mark the date and make your plans.
It's a weekend full of fun.

Friday, 9 July 2010: ~5:00pm

Winthrop Pub Crawl

Saturday, 10 July 2010: ~10:00am

Float the Methow River from Winthrop to Twisp
Saturday, 10 July 2010: ~4:00pm
Reunion Dinner at the Twisp River Pub

Sunday, 11 July 2020: ~10:00am

Sunday Brunch in the Park, Twisp

Hope to see all you Class of 1990 Mt. Lion's there -- more details to come

Stacey Thew Chambley, Leslie Driver-Rowe, Gariann Bingaman Wrenchy, Jessie Sullivan, Tolli Lowell-Forker, Paula Westman, Tammy Mace Pennock

Oh So True

2010-02-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

My mom got this card for me for my birthday -- what more can I say!?!?

Happy Birthday To Me

2010-02-26T00:41:00.000-08:00

Riddle: Last year I was a prime number all year. This year I am a prime number x2. How old am I?

My brother responded 6.
Terry pointed out that it won't happen again until I'm 62
This year I am 38!

How in the heck did I get to be so old (and wise! and revered!)? I swear when I was a kid and my parents were 38 they were OLD! I could never have imagined that I would be this old and feel this young, and wonder where all the time went....

Anyway, on the occasion of my birthday last week, the celebration was spread out. On Monday, the President's Day holiday, Devon, Birkeley, Avery, nana Noma, and I went to The Farm Cafe in Portland for a scrumptious meal. Then on Wednesday, my actual birthday, Devon was in SoCal, nana was home toiling away in her yard & garden, and Kelly, Kate, and Ed brought my favorite Lebanese food to the park for a delicious picnic. The weather had been nearly summer-like all day, but wouldn't you know it -- the wind picked up just as we got ready to eat, so we ended up having our picnic inside the parks & rec building. It was quite a hoot! We went back to Kelly & Ed's house for dessert -- cupcakes & brownies. Yum. It really was a wonderful day, and I got my wish -- time to take some pics of the kids at the park in the nice weather. It had been awhile since I'd been out and about with my fancy new camera. Kelly took the pictures that I am in.

Avery's Olympic sport -- constantly pulling up her pants. Wish I had that problem....

We are living the Olympic spirit these days, and have the clothes to prove it! Avery has a rough time deciding who to cheer for when the US & Canada go up against each other, but to be devil's advocate she usually pics the US, as Devon typically picks Canada....

Birkeley in a "wind" tunnel -- or at least it was that evening

Hey, how do I get outta this thing?

Yum! birthday cupcakes

Picture of the day -- from Kelly's iPhone -- isn't it awesome!

Jordan's Corner

2010-02-26T00:03:00.000-08:00

It's been a long almost year without Jordan. Moving through grief is a strange process, sometimes spurred by necessity, other times it just happens.

Jordan's "stuff" -- medical and special equipment always filled the house. We did our best to keep things under control, but there was always so much of it we usually felt like we were bursting from the seams. Most of the time we had things stashed in the corner by the fireplace -- her wheelchair, her stander, whatever we weren't using at the moment. When she died I sorted through her things and stacked them in that corner in boxes, mostly, for about 7 months, until we needed the space to put up the Christmas tree (as I said, sometimes things change because the "have to"). After the holidays the corner looked bare, so instead of moving her boxes back out of my closet, I decided to make that a more permanent display -- Jordan's corner. It is still a work in progress, and I've realized I can never make it big enough, so I am going to make a scrapbook and some photobooks to put over there with the other things, but for now it's a start. Some things aren't sitting out, because I can't bear to take them off my nightstand or dresser (like the aardvark from Shriner's when she had her hip surgery, and her wheelchair teddy-bears (that functioned as extra armrest padding).

I love lighting the candles and sitting there for awhile every night, and have even incorporated it into Birkeley's bedtime routine. Most of the time I have to boot kitty Sierra out of the chair to sit there -- she's taken it over as her spot. The cats did love Jordan -- not so much Avery & Birkeley, though -- they're too energetic for them, but Jordan was just a calm, warm, cuddly, snuggly kid, and that was fine for them.

But really, how could just a corner ever be enough?

Not the best pictures since I finally decided to take them tonight, but oh well, I have to do it when I get the inspiration

The teddy bear the tissue & organ donation center gave us (her eyes and her heart valves were able to be used). The pink boa that she loved to feel in her hands. The "LOVE" sign I plan to hang up on the wall at some point. The candles I light for peace & tranquility when I sit there in the evenings. The hat I knitted for her the day after she was born, while we hung out at the hospital and Devon ran around taking care of Avery. There are also a bunch of trinkets that people have given us (nana Noma, Angel, Angelique, the organ bank, the hospital) sitting on the bottom shelf that I hope to have better displayed soon. And of course, our red balloons, that float around the house with us, but I made sure to get them in the picture.

Jordan's angels